How to Write a Eulogy, One Step at a Time

If you've been asked to speak at a funeral, you're probably wondering how to write a eulogy when you can barely think straight. Here's the honest answer: you don't have to be a writer. You just have to remember them out loud for a few minutes. A eulogy is not a biography and it's not a performance. It's a chance to help a room full of people see the person one more time.

This guide walks through the process the way I'd explain it to a friend sitting at my kitchen table. It covers what to say in a eulogy, how long a eulogy should be, how to structure it, and how to get through it on the day. If you'd like to see finished pieces first, read a few of our eulogy examples, then come back here.

Before you start: a few things to know

You probably have less time than you'd like. Most people get a few days between being asked and standing up at the service. That's enough. A good eulogy can be drafted in an evening and tightened up the next day.

Ask the family or the officiant three questions before you write a word:

1. How long should I speak?
2. Is anyone else giving a eulogy, and what are they covering?
3. Is there anything the family wants included or left out?

Those answers save you from writing nine minutes when you have four, or telling the same fishing story your cousin is planning to tell.

Step 1: Gather memories

Don't start by writing sentences. Start by collecting raw material. Open a notes app or grab a legal pad and write down anything that comes to mind, in no order:

• Things they always said, even the corny ones
• What their hands were usually doing (knitting, fixing, holding a coffee mug, drumming on the steering wheel)
• Foods, songs, cars, chairs, and places tied to them
• A time they surprised you
• A time they were funny without trying
• What they did when someone was hurting
• Small habits nobody else would notice

Then ask other people. Text a sibling, an old coworker, a neighbor: "I'm giving the eulogy for Dad. What's one thing you remember about him?" You'll get stories you never heard. You'll also find out which memories everyone shares, which tells you what will land with the room.

If you're stuck, look through old photos or scroll back through text messages with them. A single photo of them at a picnic table or behind the wheel of a boat can unlock three stories you'd forgotten. Voicemails help too, if you can bear to listen. Hearing how they actually talked reminds you of phrases you'd want to quote.

Aim for twenty or thirty scraps. Most of them won't make it in, and that's fine.

Step 2: Pick a theme or a thread

This is the step most people skip, and it's the one that separates a list of facts from a eulogy people remember. Look over your scraps and ask: what keeps showing up?

Maybe it's that she always fed people. Maybe it's that he fixed everything. Maybe it's a single object, like a pocketknife, a porch, or a recipe card, that somehow holds the whole person. Pick one. That's your thread.

Your thread does two jobs. It tells you what to keep (memories that connect to it) and what to cut (good stories that wander off). It also gives you an ending, because the strongest closings circle back to wherever you started.

If you're torn between two themes, choose the one that would make the person roll their eyes and smile. That's usually the true one.

Step 3: Build a simple structure

A eulogy doesn't need a clever structure. This five-part shape works for almost anyone:

1. Opening (30 seconds). Who you are, how you knew them, and a first image or line that introduces your thread.
2. A story (1 to 2 minutes). One specific memory told as a scene, with a place, a time, and what was said.
3. Who they were (1 minute). A few qualities, each backed by a small example. Their work, their people, what they loved.
4. What they meant (30 to 60 seconds). What they gave you or the people in this room. What you'll carry forward.
5. Closing (15 to 30 seconds). A goodbye, a thank you, or their own words, tied back to your thread.

If you'd like this as a fill-in-the-blank, our eulogy template lays it out with prompts for each section.

Step 4: Write the first draft (badly, and out loud)

Write the way you talk. A eulogy is heard, not read, so long sentences and fancy words make it harder for people to follow. Read each paragraph out loud as you go. If you trip over a sentence, break it in two.

Give yourself permission to write a bad first draft. You're not trying to get it right. You're trying to get it down. Fix it tomorrow.

A few things that help:

• Use names and numbers. "Thirty-one years at the shop on Fourth Street" beats "a long career."
• Show, don't announce. Instead of "she was generous," tell them about the time she drove an hour to bring soup to someone she barely knew.
• Quote them. Their exact words bring their voice into the room. "Well, it'll rain or it won't."
• Speak to the room now and then. "Some of you were there for this." People like being included.

If the blank page is too much right now, the Speechfolk eulogy writer can turn your memories into a first draft you can rework in your own words. Sometimes it's easier to edit something than to start from nothing.

Step 5: Get the length right

So how long should a eulogy be? For most funerals, three to five minutes. That feels short when you're writing and long when you're standing at the front of the room.

Most people speak at around 130 words per minute when they're going slowly and carefully, which is how you should go. That gives you a simple guide:

• 2 minutes: about 250 to 275 words
• 3 minutes: about 400 words
• 5 minutes: about 650 words
• 7 minutes: about 900 words (usually only if you're the sole speaker)

Read your draft aloud with a timer. If you're over, cut a whole story rather than trimming words from every paragraph. One full story beats three half-told ones.

What to say in a eulogy

People often ask what to include. You don't need all of these, but strong eulogies usually touch most of them:

• Your name and how you knew them
• At least one specific story
• A few of their habits, sayings, or quirks
• The people they loved, especially a spouse, children, or grandchildren in the room
• Their work, faith, hobbies, or community if those mattered to them
• Something they taught you, said or unsaid
• A goodbye, a thank you, or a hope for the people left behind

You can mention dates and accomplishments, but keep them brief. The obituary and the program usually cover the timeline. Your job is the person.

What to leave out

A eulogy at a funeral is not the place to settle anything. Leave out:

• Family conflicts, old grudges, or who didn't visit
• Details of their illness or death, unless the family has asked you to speak about it
• Inside jokes that only one or two people will understand
• Anything embarrassing they wouldn't have wanted said in front of their pastor or their grandkids
• Long lists of names to thank (the family or officiant usually handles this)
• Too much about yourself. Some of you is fine, since it's your relationship with them. Just keep turning the light back toward them.

A good test: if you'd hesitate to say a line with their mother sitting in the front row, cut it.

Can a eulogy be funny?

Yes, if they were. Laughter at a funeral is often a relief, and many families remember the funny stories most. Keep the humor warm and about the person, never at someone else's expense, and follow a laugh with something sincere so the room has a place to land. Our guide to writing a funny eulogy goes deeper on this.

A short worked example

Here's how the steps above turn into an actual speech. Say you're writing for your grandfather. Your scraps include: he got up at 4:45 every day, he had coffee at the co-op, he carried a pocketknife, he said "it'll rain or it won't," and he gave you a knife when you turned twelve.

The thread is obvious once you see it: the pocketknife, and his belief that you fix the small things yourself. Here's a quick draft built on that thread.

Notice how the closing reaches back to the opening. That's the thread doing its job. You can see full-length versions of eulogies like this one on our eulogy examples page, and specific guidance in our eulogy for grandpa and eulogy for grandma guides.

Step 6: Practice it (more than once)

Read it out loud at least three times before the service. The first time, you'll probably cry. That's actually useful. It means the hardest lines are less likely to catch you off guard on the day.

• Read it to one person you trust. Ask if anything was confusing, not whether it was good.
• Mark the spots where you choke up. Put a small pause mark there so you know to breathe first.
• Time it at the slow pace you'll actually use.
• Print it big. Use a 16 or 18 point font, double-spaced, with page numbers. Don't staple the pages. Slide them aside as you go.

Don't try to memorize it. Reading is expected, and paper in your hands gives you something to hold on to.

Step 7: Delivering a eulogy when you're emotional

Almost everyone who gives a eulogy worries about breaking down. Some people do, briefly, and it's fine. The room is on your side. Nobody in that chapel is grading you.

A few things that genuinely help:

• Bring water and set it where you can reach it.
• Pick a backup reader. Ask a friend or family member to sit near the front with a copy. If you need to stop, you can nod and they'll step up. Knowing they're there often means you don't need them.
• Slow down at the start. Your first few sentences will feel rushed. Take a full breath before you begin and after your opening line.
• Find a friendly face. Look at someone who will nod back at you, not at the casket or the front row if that's too hard.
• When your voice cracks, stop. Look down at the page, breathe in through your nose, and pick up at the next sentence. Pauses feel much longer to you than they do to the room.
• Keep the ending short. The last line is usually the hardest. A short closing is easier to get out.

Tears in a eulogy aren't a failure. They're part of the tribute. People will remember that you loved them enough to cry, not that you lost your place for a moment.

When the eulogy is for someone close

Writing for a parent, a spouse, or a best friend is its own kind of hard. You have too much material and too many feelings, and every story feels like the one that has to go in. If that's where you are, start with our guides for a eulogy for mom, a eulogy for dad, or a eulogy for a friend. They're written for exactly that situation.

A quick checklist before the service

• I know how long I'm supposed to speak, and my draft fits.
• I've told at least one specific story.
• I've used their name, and their words, more than once.
• I've checked with the family about anything sensitive.
• My ending ties back to my opening.
• I've read it out loud at least three times.
• It's printed in large type, and someone else has a copy.
• I have water and a tissue in my pocket.

That's really all there is to it. You don't need to be eloquent. You need to be specific and honest, and you need to show up. If you'd like help getting the first draft down, the eulogy writer is there whenever you're ready.